In my last blog post, I discussed the phenomenon of adult children becoming disconnected or estranged from their parents. I also noted that this is not an idea that is foreign to God. God knows about estrangement and is often depicted in the Old Testament as a parent who has been rejected by his very own children. I would now like to look at one cause of estrangement and one hopeful solution.
A primary cause of estrangement is “anxious parenting”. There are so many areas for good parents may legitimately be concerned about: drugs, sex, gender identity, kidnappings, terrorism, school shootings, pandemics, bullying, school quality, socialization, moral and character development – as well as challenges to faith in the context of secular culture. All of these concerns may result in parents being protective, intense, and even controlling in the way they parent. Parents naturally try to closely orchestrate or micro-manage the experiences of their children, hence the term “helicopter parent”. A writer from the New York Times was quoted as saying that presently “all parenting is anxious parenting”. Helicopter parenting has even given way to “lawnmower parenting” – where the parent “mows down” all the obstacles in their child’s life. In such a situation the child feels no sense of control and empowerment for themselves. The parent is always telling the child what to do and eventually, the child just wants to get distance from the over intensity of the parent. Note that the intentions of the parent are completely loving and sincere, but the child’s perception can be that they are being smothered. Many children in this generation suffer from an epidemic of anxiety and the anxious parent only makes them feel greater anxiety. That is why some therapists will advise adult children to distance themselves from their parents for the sake of their mental health.
Once again, God has been similarly misperceived. In the Book of Hosea, the prophet speaking for God says, “Though I were to write out for him ten thousand points of My instruction, they would be regarded as something strange” (Hosea 8:12, Holman Bible). Here we see God as a parent trying to direct his children and the response is to regard that direction as “something strange”. Close parenting and the response of estrangement are not far from one another. Fortunately, the Bible also has a very practical solution.
Joshua Coleman, writing in his seminal book, Rules of Estrangement, says the solution to this problem is “Hard, Hard, Hard”. That is because the solution not only requires tremendous humility but in fact humility IS the solution. Often the estranged adult child has not been in contact with their parents for months or years, yet it is the parent (with a therapist’s help) who must extend the olive branch to attempt reconciliation. This situation is indeed unusual and counter-intuitive. The parents are the jilted party and the adult child has made it clear they want no contact with the parent. However, the reality is that the adult child does not want contact with the “parents as they have always perceived them,” – but they may be interested in some gradual contact with parents who will not make them feel anxious and with parents who will see things from and validate the adult child’s perspective. Usually, the adult child has expressed their concerns to the parents and those concerns have previously been dismissed. This is where humility becomes THE solution. If the parent wants a relationship with their adult child, they will have to find some merit or understanding in their adult child’s narrative. This is extremely difficult since, from the parent’s perspective, what the adult child is saying is either completely or partially false. To which the adult child often has an accusatory and negative perception of childhood events that completely baffle the parents whose intentions always have, in their mind, been loving and caring – strange indeed.
Listening and trying to find understanding and a level of agreement with a perceived false narrative is certainly humbling, but how is this Biblical? The Bible teaches us to be “completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). Perhaps surprisingly, it also teaches that we should “keep no record of wrongs” (I Corinthians 13:5), that “in humility” we consider others better than ourselves (Philippians 2:3), and sometimes it is preferable to be wronged (I Corinthians 6:7). The adult child will make claims and have a narrative that may be very difficult to hear. However, parents can listen in all patience and humility – we don’t need to keep a record of wrongs (or set the record straight since we aren’t keeping it), we can consider that their version is better than our own, and finally, we may even agree to suffer wrong (we may need to bear with our adult child). In previous encounters between the parents and the adult child, the parents, being parents, try to correct the narrative and even respond defensively. In the new “humble mode,” – the parent listens patiently and humbly and responds not with correction but with expressions of love.
Josh Coleman says this is Hard, and for Christians, it IS difficult but it should also be familiar territory in our Christian walk.
— Don McCulloch, Ph.D.