“If you want to be happy, love them for who they are. If you want to be frustrated, love them for who you hope they’ll become.” - Steven Bartlett
I have been counseling individuals and couples for over 20 years and I will tell you, one of the most common problems that manifest in our closest relationships (be it romantic, friendship, or family dynamics) is rooted in fantasy. The fantasy — or hope — of who that person is or could be. A person’s potential, rather than who they are, right now, in this moment. In today’s day and age of photoshop, filters, and the social media “highlights reel”, it’s hard to know what is real and what is fantasy. In the dating world and new relationships especially, I often find my clients (of all ages) attracted to their fantasy projection of who and what that other person is, rather than taking the time to really get to know the authentic human in front of them. Getting to know someone takes many months, even years. There is no such thing as “love at first sight”. Love – and real, authentic chemistry – takes time to grow and develop.
If you are single and dating, I encourage you to take your time. Many of us, especially if we have been through a painful breakup, tend to want to rush into a new relationship and secure “official relationship status” as soon as possible. We often feel uncomfortable with the “uncommitted” stage of dating, out of fears and insecurities of being alone or abandoned or “not good enough”. However, the uncommitted stage is necessary to build a foundation of emotional safety through consistent words and actions. If you have a tendency toward early attachment in relationships (i.e., wanting to be “official” in the first few weeks of dating), I implore you to look inward and ask yourself – what’s the rush? … Maybe sit with that discomfort. Are you afraid you won’t be “good enough”? Do you have a scarcity mentality (afraid “all the good ones” are already taken)? Almost every human I work with has similar fears. It is a scary feeling to be emotionally vulnerable with another human, but necessary to build trust and authentic connection. Instead of ruminating about whether they like you “enough” or worrying that there is someone else, try asking yourself – do I really like them? Do I like spending time with them? Do I like how I feel when we are in each other’s company? Are their life values in line with mine? Keep it simple in those early months. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect and alignment of goals and values. And yes, attraction – but real, authentic chemistry and attraction tend to build as you get to know each other. (Unpopular truth: instant or intense early chemistry is usually just a red flag of a potential trauma bond – meaning there is something about that individual that reminds you of unresolved trauma from your past. It may burn hot and bright initially but then tends to fade and you are left with past unresolved trauma you have both been running from – only now compounded with a broken heart and further distrust).
Similar advice goes for my long-term and married couples. Although you already know each other after some years, every human is a work in progress and capable of growth and evolving – however, they have to want to grow and change, and not everyone strives for this. We cannot force anyone to change, we can only identify and practice communication within our own boundaries around what we want and need in our closest relationships. Therapy can be a safe space to help you learn to practice the skills of identifying and articulating what you want and need, as well as setting and upholding healthier relational boundaries.
When it comes to our family members, similar counsel applies: love them for who they are, not the fantasy mother, fantasy father, or fantasy child. I have so many clients currently grieving the parents they needed but never had. Or parents grieving the child they dreamed about, but having a difficult time accepting the real, flawed human child in front of them. The young child with emotional or behavioral issues who needs them, or the grown adult child who still longs to be seen, heard, and validated for who they are – not who the parent fantasized about. These are common dynamics I see nearly every day in my sessions. Practice being intentionally present in the moment with the people who are most important to you. Practice the skill of seeing them, really mindfully listening. Even if years have gone by of hurt, loneliness, and complacency, relationships can be healed. Bridges can be built. People are capable of glorious change. But part of being an emotionally intelligent adult is also learning to release the pains of the past and see the person for who they are today, right now, in the present. And your part in this is taking accountability for your own feelings, wants, needs, and boundaries, and expressing these in a respectful, direct manner. If you never learned how to do this in childhood, you can still learn as an adult. This is part of how (and why) therapy can help.
— Shannan Cason, Psy.D.