We have all heard of empty nest syndrome – when the last child leaves home, and then the parents experience symptoms of depression. Most people probably do not take this too seriously – at least not until you are the one caught in its throes. It can cause significant symptoms of depression and negative emotions for some. Not surprisingly, there is a fair amount of solid research on this topic. I would like to share that with you. But first, one story:
When my son ran on his high school cross-country team, I used to go watch practices. This is a true example of over-parenting. Cross-country practice consists of the team going off on a run and coming back. Not much to watch. Weirdly, parents attending practice was a thing at my son’s school. The boys and girls’ team practiced together and they had won states on many occasions. Therefore, practices were actually a time for parents to gather, socialize and congratulate themselves on what healthy kids they had raised. One day a mom came to watch practice. However, her son had already graduated and was off at college – she missed him and just wanted to connect with what used to be. I found this strange but had a sneaking suspicion that one day I just might be there myself. I have no idea if she suffered from empty nest syndrome, but I have great empathy for what the loss of parenting experiences could mean for the parent.
THE RESEARCH
The research makes it clear – not everyone whose children leave the nest experience empty nest syndrome. In fact, research shows that some parents have the opposite effect. Marriages and life satisfaction improve when the last child leaves home. Plus, empty nest syndrome seems to mainly affect traditional family structures – where one parent – usually the mom, has invested her life and, to some extent, her identity in being the child’s parent. In such cases, significant negative emotions may result. My own research found that symptoms of depression were worse in two situations; when the parenting style was more permissive (the parent was more of a friend to the child than an authority figure), and when the parent was single when the last child left home.
THE GOOD NEWS
The good news is that empty nest syndrome can be mitigated by regular communication. Having healthy contact with your child when they leave home for college, work, or the military is key. Healthy contact is the optimal word. Some parents overdo it and some should be more proactive. When a child leaves the nest – they need a chance to actually leave. They need to learn to make their own decisions without mom and dad. As a college professor, I have seen students who talk to their parents three times a day. I think that is too much. Children are loaned to us by God and we need to encourage them to develop their own lives since we will not always be able to be there for them. I think parents also need to be careful regarding tracking their children on their phones. This should only be done with their permission, or if there are particular safety concerns. We never tracked our children at college, but our children let their siblings track them in case there was an emergency. The amount of expected contact is just one more thing that should be discussed when your children leave the nest. Overkill can lead to greater anxiety for our children and that will backfire on the parents (see my blog post on estrangement).
GENDER DIFFERENCES
There will be gender differences. Boys simply do not communicate as much when they leave the nest. Expectations should be lower for boys. A single mom’s son attended the same college as my daughter. That mom would call my wife about once a month to see if my daughter could let her know what was happening with her son – who never called her. Too much contact can lead to problems but no contact is not acceptable. Usually, parents have some leverage – they are helping pay for school, housing, or insurance. In these cases, parents should stipulate that ongoing support will be dependent on a weekly phone call of at least ten minutes.
SUMMARY
In summary, empty nest syndrome affects a minority of parents when they launch their last child. If it affects you, negative emotions are very real. Communication is a key factor. Parents should have a conversation with their children regarding the frequency of communication. Finally, if you suffer from empty nest syndrome, remember that God never forgets His children. This is promised to all of us in Isaiah 49:15, 16. Feel free to contact me, Don McCulloch, Ph.D., for counseling or consultation related to empty nest syndrome.
— Dr. Don McCulloch, Ph.D.