American psychologist and founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) Albert Ellis wisely and humorously said, “Stop shoulding on yourself.” Logically, one can deduct then, based on Dr. Ellis’ remark, that the use of should is something to consider removing from our vocabulary. Doing so, however, is a tall order, as it has become ingrained in our comments to one another and ourselves:
• “You know what you should do?”
• “You should…”
• “Aw man, you should have…”
• “When I look back now, I probably should have…”
Well…you get the idea.
So, what is so “bad” about using should? Well, firstly, it implies a sense of judgment. If I tell myself I should do something, then I’m laying out the expectation of it actually being done, and if I don’t do it, then I’m falling short in some way. Eventually, with repeated use, we slowly eat away at our sense of esteem, especially if we fail to deliver on the “should.” It’s almost as if we begin to believe we can’t do anything right with our current knowledge. We consistently arm-chair quarterback or backseat drive. Neither is helpful.
When it comes to our interactions with others, using should give the impression that we are the experts on the other person’s life. That couldn’t be further from the truth. In all honesty, are we really even sure we’re the experts on our own lives? (After all, we’re second-guessing and undermining ourselves with our own shoulds, as was just explained). What gives us the idea that we know what’s best for someone else? And, just as should do to each of us individually, using should with others creates a sense that we’re superior and they’re inferior.
Looking back on a situation or a specific behavior and saying we should have done “this” instead of “that” also hints at disappointment or regret. Of course, it’s easy to look back with our current knowledge of knowing how things turned out. At the time of decision-making, we weren’t privy to the information learned along the way. We made choices in the past based on the facts staring directly at us. Hindsight is 20/20. Even though we more than likely set out to do our very best, it doesn’t always work out as we expected. That’s when we boldly state what should have been done, again implying failure and/or stupidity.
If using should is not appropriate or helpful, then what can take its place? Here are some replacement suggestions:
• Instead of remarking, “You know what you should do?”, try “Have you considered…”
• In place of “You should…”, say “It might be helpful if…”
• Substitute “Aw man, you should have…” with “It may have been more beneficial if…”
• Change “When I look back now, I probably should have…” to “Looking back, I may have found ____ to be more useful.”
Now that should’s meaning has been identified and highlighted, what should you do (pun intended) about using it? Even better yet, what would be more helpful? What would best benefit you or someone else? Use or replace it? Dr. Albert Ellis would repeat himself, “Stop shoulding on yourself”(and others) and set yourself free.
— Jill Dagistino, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern