Evaluating vs. Second Guessing

Evaluations are an important part of learning and knowing what changes to make in order to grow and mature. Second guessing usually involves feelings of guilt, regret, what if’s, self-condemnation, and… you get the idea, right?  

A lot of clients I work with are experts in second-guessing themselves. Taking a few minutes to recognize the difference between second-guessing and evaluating can be a game changer in how we manage what is happening in our minds. Our brains are hardwired to make connections and associations that will assist us in making smarter decisions in the future. 

Unfortunately, some of us have negative habits or self-talk that involve judging ourselves so harshly that we cannot pull anything positive out of past situations. The ability to evaluate ourselves, including things we said, did, or perhaps wanted to say or do, cannot only increase our self-awareness but also help us make different choices in the future.  

Here are some suggestions on how to evaluate instead of second guess:

• Recognize when we are second-guessing ourselves, which usually involves self-condemnation, guilt, regret, or resentment.

• Remember that second-guessing does not help us improve but rather increases anxiety, dread, or insecurity.

• Make a choice to use skills of evaluation in order to learn and improve

• Ask ourselves a series of questions with a mind of curiosity

• What did I do well, or would I do that the same way next time?

• What would I want to change or do differently?

• Was I in control of myself?

• Was I trying to control things outside of my control?

• What was I trying to learn, accomplish or get across?

• Did my words and actions align with my values or who I want to be?

• What was I thinking and feeling?

• Was I choosing to be right over valuing relationships?

• Were there any triggers, sensitivities, or vulnerabilities that impacted me?

These questions are not all-inclusive, nor are all of them necessary to have a healthy evaluation. However, they are a guide and tool to begin the process of learning how to evaluate ourselves in order to promote growth and maturity. These questions, when asked with curiosity and the right intent, are a great tool to assist others in the evaluation process. Helping our spouses and children learn how to navigate decision-making by using evaluation tools can be invaluable.

— Tracy Paulino, LMHC