Designing your Child’s Relationship Blueprint
We are created by God to be in a relationship with both Him and the others He places in our lives. Our lives are a network of relationships with others near and far away. God designed into each and every person a process through our neural networks that are the blueprint for relationships and that program is strengthened and developed in early childhood through our experiences in relationships with our caregivers. The program that is written into our neural networks for relationships generally remains the blueprint for all our future relationships throughout life, with some exceptions.
So, what do you want your child’s relational blueprint to look like? Children decide about relationships in early childhood based on their experiences in relationships. Since parents are generally a child’s first relationship and since our relationship blueprint generally remains in place throughout our lives, it is an important time to spend writing into their hearts a balance of nurture and structure. Here are a few tips to get you started:
Spend 5 minutes a day in uninterrupted play with your child in their world. Let them pull out a few of their favorite toys and play along. Get into it and enjoy your time.
Watch what they do that is appropriate and follow along.
Sprinkle in a few compliments of things they are doing well. For example, “I love how you use your imagination to build awesome towers.” Be sure to also compliment them on all the ways they use their manners, share, sit quietly, and play gently.
Don’t ask a lot of questions or try to direct their play. Rather listen for them to speak and then repeat what they say. Questions generally shut down conversations but listening and repeating or paraphrasing back to a child increases communication, and their vocabulary and speech generally improve as an added benefit.
Notice what they are doing with their hands and give words to their actions. For example, “I see you are putting the egg in the pan.” “You are cooking on the stove and now you are putting the food on the plate” for a child who is engaged in play cooking. It may seem like you are stating the obvious but there is great power in “noticing.” It sends a powerful message to your child, “I am seen by my caregiver.” What do we watch as humans? That which we care about, value, and are interested in. When you notice your child and what they do with the verbal description, you say, “I care about you,” I am interested in what you are doing,” or “you are worth watching.” These are powerful messages each human longs to experience with their caregiver.
So, give it a try! Spend a few minutes a day engaged in one on one play with your child. Put into practice these few skills and see what happens. Each of these skills is specifically designed to build and enhance relationships. If you find it difficult to get started or there are obstacles blocking you, give us a call. We routinely work with parents and children to build stronger, healthier relationships. We’d love to help you too.
— Carrie C. Ellis, LMHC