Marriages face at least three major challenges—the devaluation of marriage in society, misunderstanding about basic emotions and the fall of mankind, and lack of knowledge about basic building blocks of biblical marriage
Building Block 4: Avoid Temptation
Reversing the curse on marriage means not only leading and inviting your wife to marriage transformation and showing unconditional love, but it also requires balance by avoiding pornography and sexual imbalance. The task of avoidance can best be accomplished by adhering to the following corrective principles.
Corrective Principle #1: Avoid Behavior to Which There is No End
A common theme among men who struggle with sexual balance is an obsession with behavior that is seemingly unending. The pursuit of sexual pleasure in and of itself is an endless and ultimately deadening toil.
Practical Suggestions
Don’t click on any internet sites that involve sexual content (even if it is written content), because it will never end. Endless pursuit of sexual pleasure is no filler for a real encounter with the eternal God.
Corrective Principle #2: Fast from Sexual Stimulation
Sexual fasting involves refraining from sex, but it also has a specific purpose; to re-set your sexual thermostat and devote time to praying to God.
Practical Suggestions
Sexuality can be drab and routine if the purpose of sexuality is only a release valve. For that reason, and others, there are times to abstain from sex (and not seek sexual stimulation elsewhere). During that time, you can pray that your desire for your wife’s body will properly increase.
Corrective Principle #3: Reverse the Curse on Your Sex Life
In reversing the curse, behavior prior to the fall of man is instructive. In fact, the verse right before the fall of man, which is Genesis 2:25 says, “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”
Practical Suggestion
Let your wife’s body, unadorned as Eve’s before the fall, become your focus. Spend time naked in each other’s presence.
Transformative Principle #1: Keep Intimacy Simple and Sacred (K.I.S.S.)
This is not dull sexuality, but it is productive sexuality. A simple approach to sexuality often produces intense pleasure because it is not about the peripherals—it is about enjoying each other’s bodies.
Transformative Principle #2: Don’t Be So Selfish
Not approaching your wife and inviting her to engage in sexual intimacy is a common way of being selfish. Don’t let the initiation of sexual intimacy rest on her shoulders.
Transformative Principle #3: Be the Prophet, Priest, and King of Your Sex Life
A good prophet speaks the word of God. The priest seeks the holiness of his wife. The king, as the spiritual leader of the home, is the one who is the arbiter of loveliness.
Question for thought: Do you think our sexual intimacy is simple and sacred?
Building Block 5: Nurture Significance
Many people who struggle with individual problems also struggle with their sense of self. More accurately, they feel that God is not pleased with them; as a result, they tell themselves many negative untruths. This negative self-talk in turn leads to ungodly and unhappy behaviors which create negative patterns. Negative thoughts and behavior patterns then form the basis for all kinds of life problems and mental disturbances. The solution is simple and biblical.
Christ is the Answer
Christ is the solution to our self-esteem problems. Learning who we are in Christ is the key to our mental health. Realistically we are sinners. Yet, if we are believers, we are no longer under Christ’s wrath and judgment.
The Self Esteem of Your Spouse Matters
A Christian marriage starts with the premise that Christ is the center of married life. However, over the course of time, it is not uncommon for a spouse to struggle with self-esteem issues. The marriage relationship can be the means God uses to help spouses resolve self-esteem issues.
Help Your Wife Find True Significance
Liberating your wife from the oppression of the perfect tyrant is certainly mission number one. A husband may not realize he has an important role to play in rescuing his wife from her own lies.
Assignment for Transformed Significance
Look up the following verses: Ephesians 1:7 and 2:5, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Jeremiah 31:3, and Romans 8:1, 17, and 37. What do these verses say about who we are in Christ? Discuss these findings with your spouse or write him or her a letter that lists what the Bible says about who he or she is in Christ.
Question for thought: What kind of thoughts do you speak to yourself, or does your spouse say, that reinforces the above feelings of insignificance?
Building Block 6: Deal with Anger and Depression
In terms of emotional health, God wants to redeem two particular emotions, depression and anger. The complicating factor of marriage is that more often than not, those two emotions are directed toward our spouse. Unfortunately, these emotions are often denied by some Christians, while for others, these emotions are seen as relationship failures.
Dealing with Anger
Anger and even depression get associated with sinful behavior so we tend to deny their existence. When Christians talk about these emotions, they tend to give simplistic solutions, not dealing with the fact that these emotions can have deep roots.
Dealing with Depression
Depression, because it is emotional, is often regulated to the realm of the mysterious, the superstitious, and the vaguely sinful. Medical problems and depression are things that ultimately only God can heal. All of our hard work comes to naught if God doesn’t choose to heal.
Depression versus the Weight of Sin
Some people struggle with forgiving themselves. Of course, it is God who heals and it is God who forgives, so these people need to be encouraged to stop trying to forgive themselves and see themselves as God sees them, as His beloved and precious children.
Here are some things to consider:
Everybody gets depressed at some point. Depression is a common problem and, in most cases, it is a passing experience
Not all depressions are the same and that is what makes it so confusing.
Bipolar depression is characterized by periods of mania (excessive activity, high energy, euphoria, or an unrealistic mood) so at times these sufferers are the opposite of depressed.
Major depression is characterized by negative moods and a lack of pleasure from experiences that used to be pleasurable.
Mild depression and chronic low-level depression are often harder to diagnose and treat. Counseling can help and medication should not be the first avenue of intervention.
Postpartum depression hits a new mother suddenly. Some medical conditions in men can also produce sudden depression.
Finally, when people face losses, they experience a type of depression known as grief.
From all of the above, it should be clear that one solution does not fit all. It’s complicated.
If you are suffering from depression, it is important to realize that getting your spouse to change will not make you feel better.
Lastly, keep in your mind that all depression goes in cycles, like much of God’s created world. Depression is often our body’s way of forcing us to slow down and learn about ourselves.
Question for thought: Do I come across as someone who angers easily?
— Don McCulloch, Ph.D.
Excerpts from Perfect Circle: A Husband’s Guide to the Six Tasks of a Contemporary Christian Marriage