Recently I heard a friend of mine, Dr. Heather Clark, teach a great concept in a Sunday School class. She challenged us to “speak life into our spouses.” It struck me how simple yet profound this concept is and frankly how rare it is to describe the speech as life-giving. It is a true idea if we also understand that communication is much bigger than a word’s meaning. It encompasses how the word is spoken (non-verbal) when the word is spoken (timing of circumstances), and why it is spoken (for what purpose or end).
Let’s start with that last one: the purpose. The ancient encouragement is for us to “speak the truth in love”. So, when I speak, it should be to convey love (even when we don’t agree). If my intent is to abjure or denigrate or correct, I need to re-think why I am speaking into her life if I want her to receive my words.
One way to address this purpose is to be sapient about the timing. If I want to be heard and understood, my heart must want her to be in a receptive space. I will choose a time that she is not distracted or under pressure. I do not want to force the discussion. A way to see this is if I find myself demanding or pushing rather than inviting or allowing the discussion to open up. If I am trying to pull something out of her, then I am forcing the discussion and it is not a wise time to engage. It is similar to poor purchase techniques. If I find myself thinking we can only talk about this now (much like I have to buy this now versus later), then I am likely forcing the issue and not honoring her circumstances.
Of the three aforementioned parameters, the most recondite to understand is speaking life in a way or means that promotes growth and actually edifies the other person. The question is: am I speaking in an honoring way to them? Or will I come across to THEM as callous, condescending, or odious? So, the idea is to affect my communication style in a way that honors THEM versus satisfies ME. Sadly, I do not have blog room to elucidate how to flesh out these ideas, so you will need to catch my next blog. Until then!
— Jeff Bercaw, MFT, Intern