In my last blog, I suggested we ought to speak life into our spouses and delineated the why and when this is best done. Today I want to tackle the most recondite concept to understand in speaking life and that is the way or means in order to edify the other person. What method promotes growth?
The fact is we come from homes with diverse communication styles that build different filters in us that define visual, kinesthetic (motion), or even auditory stimuli subjectively. One person’s sigh of boredom is received as displeasure in my recent talk when in fact, they were not listening, to begin with. And we are off to a silly argument (well, you didn’t really ASK me to listen). This miscommunication can block speaking life and may have the opposite effect.
So edifying communication style can be summarized as such: “be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry” “a kind word turns away wrath”, and “let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth except that which is edifying for the other person”. WOW! A tall order, no doubt. What helps is for me to be conscious if I desire their honor or their sense of being cared for.
I want to think in my mind that I am speaking with a person with a gentle or fragile heart, with honor (NOT PITY). I want to temper my volume (they are not deaf), sweeten my ardor, extend my patience, and open up my mind (think in their model of the world, not just mine). What do they hear in how I speak? Not what am I going to do to make them hear it in a different way (a rather arrogant attitude many of us apply)? I need to ask things like how am I coming across or how do you feel when I am speaking with you, or how are we doing.
An effective method is Clear Communication Style. In a nutshell, I remove the demand that they read my mind, and I own that how I receive what they say is my choice or interpretation, not my mystical knowledge of their intent. I effectively want to know their model of the world of our talk, not demand they take on mine. There are five teachable steps, but alas, again, the dear reader, we are at the end of my blog space until we meet again (sort of). Adieu!
— Jeff Bercaw, MTF Intern