SPANISH RIVER COUNSELING CENTER BLOGS + VIDEOS
Emotions, Feelings, and Moods, Oh My
Emotions, feelings, and moods are words that we use in everyday life without pausing to wonder if they are different or interchangeable. Is there really a difference between an emotion or feeling, and isn’t a mood just how you feel? We use phrases and questions such as: ‘How are you feeling? What are you feeling? You seem emotional. Wow, you are in a mood. You are in a good mood - a bad mood. How did that feel? Were you emotional?’ That’s a lot of questions and statements
Emotions, feelings, and moods are words that we use in everyday life without pausing to wonder if they are different or interchangeable. Is there really a difference between an emotion or feeling, and isn’t a mood just how you feel? We use phrases and questions such as: ‘How are you feeling? What are you feeling? You seem emotional. Wow, you are in a mood. You are in a good mood - a bad mood. How did that feel? Were you emotional?’ That’s a lot of questions and statements.
Having a better understanding of each word may give us clarity on how to recognize and manage our emotions, feelings, and moods. Here is a brief breakdown of each term.
Emotions, at the core, are a chemical response to our environment. Emotions do not take place just in our brain but are released and impact our whole body. This is why many people will physically feel an emotion before they are even able to acknowledge or name the emotion.
Feelings emerge when our brains begin to interpret and think about the emotion. Feelings can be felt as well as processed. How we engage with emotions is very personal and individualized, which is why people can have very different ‘feelings’ about the same event. Feelings help us pay attention to our environment and give us the opportunity to be present and connected.
Moods result in a mixture of emotions and feelings that are also influenced by our environment. For example, we can be in a bad mood if we are hungry, scared, or tired. Moods are also influenced by how we process and work through our emotions and feelings. For example, if we need to ‘push through’ a feeling, we may be in an anxious mood. Moods can last minutes, hours, days, or even longer if we do not make concrete decisions to change or attend to our mood.
Having a better understanding of the difference between emotions, feelings, and moods hopefully will give us more choices and opportunities to engage with what is happening in our mind and body. Increasing our awareness and educating ourselves about our emotions and feelings can positively affect our moods. Pause throughout today and ask yourself what emotions you have experienced, as well as what you feel about the day and if you have noticed any mood changes.
— Tracy Paulino, Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Evaluating vs. Second Guessing
Evaluations are an important part of learning and knowing what changes to make in order to grow and mature. Second guessing usually involves feelings of guilt, regret, what if’s, self-condemnation, and… you get the idea, right? Here are some suggestions on how to evaluate instead of second guess:
Evaluations are an important part of learning and knowing what changes to make in order to grow and mature. Second guessing usually involves feelings of guilt, regret, what if’s, self-condemnation, and… you get the idea, right?
A lot of clients I work with are experts in second-guessing themselves. Taking a few minutes to recognize the difference between second-guessing and evaluating can be a game changer in how we manage what is happening in our minds. Our brains are hardwired to make connections and associations that will assist us in making smarter decisions in the future.
Unfortunately, some of us have negative habits or self-talk that involve judging ourselves so harshly that we cannot pull anything positive out of past situations. The ability to evaluate ourselves, including things we said, did, or perhaps wanted to say or do, cannot only increase our self-awareness but also help us make different choices in the future.
Here are some suggestions on how to evaluate instead of second guess:
• Recognize when we are second-guessing ourselves, which usually involves self-condemnation, guilt, regret, or resentment.
• Remember that second-guessing does not help us improve but rather increases anxiety, dread, or insecurity.
• Make a choice to use skills of evaluation in order to learn and improve
• Ask ourselves a series of questions with a mind of curiosity
• What did I do well, or would I do that the same way next time?
• What would I want to change or do differently?
• Was I in control of myself?
• Was I trying to control things outside of my control?
• What was I trying to learn, accomplish or get across?
• Did my words and actions align with my values or who I want to be?
• What was I thinking and feeling?
• Was I choosing to be right over valuing relationships?
• Were there any triggers, sensitivities, or vulnerabilities that impacted me?
These questions are not all-inclusive, nor are all of them necessary to have a healthy evaluation. However, they are a guide and tool to begin the process of learning how to evaluate ourselves in order to promote growth and maturity. These questions, when asked with curiosity and the right intent, are a great tool to assist others in the evaluation process. Helping our spouses and children learn how to navigate decision-making by using evaluation tools can be invaluable.
— Tracy Paulino, LMHC
Communication
Communication is one of the biggest topics brought up by clients. All relationships involve communication; whether in work, family, or romantic relationships. We even communicate with our pets. The importance, and at times, the urgency to communicate can be confusing and difficult to navigate. There are wonderful tools, skills, and techniques that can help us increase our ability to communicate in healthy and effective manners; however, what if there is another way to look at communication?
Communication is one of the biggest topics brought up by clients. All relationships involve communication; whether in work, family, or romantic relationships. We even communicate with our pets. The importance, and at times, the urgency to communicate can be confusing and difficult to navigate. There are wonderful tools, skills, and techniques that can help us increase our ability to communicate in healthy and effective manners; however, what if there is another way to look at communication?
Tools are very important and necessary for effective communication, but it is almost impossible to remember, much less practice, healthy skills when we are angry, disappointed, or any other variety of emotions. There are times when we are so caught up in emotions that active listening is way too hard.
Perhaps there are times when the focus should be on recognizing feelings instead of the words that are said. Inherent in effective communication is the ability to listen to the feelings that are being communicated. When we hear emotions, we take a step closer to really understanding someone and potentially connecting with them on an emotional level. Feelings are what bond us. Even in stressful and traumatic environments, the true thing that connects people is the feelings associated with the situation. Experiencing the same event but having different reactions can cause distance but recognizing similar emotions create connections.
Would we respond differently to the statement, “you didn’t call me back” if we really heard, “I missed you” or “Do I matter to you?” or “Did you forget me?”
The challenge is to remain curious about what emotions are being expressed, and brave enough to respond and attend to the emotions we hear and not just the words spoken.
— Tracy Paulino, LMHC, MCAP, ICRC
Party Glasses
Understanding how you view or interpret life can benefit your ability to make different choices instead of feeling stuck by only seeing your circumstance through a particular viewpoint. It is not wrong to have a specific viewpoint or lens through which we view the world, however being able to recognize our perspective can assist in having discussions and not arguments.
Imagine yourself with 2022 glasses. Special events and holidays can include party glasses that go with the celebration. Just head down to any store that sells party supplies and you can be set for the year. While we do not wear party glasses on a day-to-day basis, we do have very specific ways in which we view the world. Just ask people how they view political, spiritual, or societal to highlight how differently we see things. Our own personal paradigm or schema, which is unique and personal to every person, can be the reason everyone seems to view or interpret an event differently. It truly is amazing how many points of view can be represented.
In counseling, a very helpful tool can be to help clients better understand the lens through which they view life events and interpret certain situations. Some of these lenses through which we see the world have been developed throughout our childhood, and others we learn as we are adults. Understanding how you view or interpret life can benefit your ability to make different choices instead of feeling stuck by only seeing your circumstance through a particular viewpoint. It is not wrong to have a specific viewpoint or lens through which we view the world; however, being able to recognize our perspective can assist in having discussions and not arguments.
One of the assessments I give to prospective clients is called the Young Schema Questionnaire, and it helps identify any maladaptive schemas or lenses, through which they interpret their life. Many of us are not consciously aware of how we interpret daily interactions and life events, thus eliminating our ability to make different choices or view the situation from a different perspective. Even if we have very set views, we can still learn to identify our default lens and start making different choices. However, it needs to be intentional.
If you have children, you are helping them to navigate through their day-to-day and thus helping them develop a way of viewing themselves and others around them. What a tremendous privilege and responsibility. Here are some questions to help us better understand our personal lens. Here are some questions to help increase your understanding of your personal ‘party glasses’.
How would I describe my family of origin and their lens or way of viewing the world?
Do I view things just like my mom? Dad? Brother? Sister? Etc.
Do people describe me as optimistic, pessimistic, skeptical, sarcastic, gullible, etc.?
How did I come to have my point of view?
Are my assumptions about something ever wrong?
What am I trying to teach/show/mentor to my children?
— Tracy Paulino, LMHC, MCAP, ICRC
Walking on Eggshells
‘Walking on eggshells’, ‘on thin ice’, ‘overly cautious’, ‘beating around the bush’ are a few expressions used when clients share about the difficulty of relationships. What does it really mean? Are we afraid to be ourselves, be honest? Are we afraid of the reaction we will get such as rage, defensiveness, blame, or criticism? Are we following unspoken rules such as topics that are off-limits, issues that are unsolvable, or memories too painful to discuss? I can almost hear someone saying “Yes – ALL of that!”
‘Walking on eggshells,’ ‘on thin ice,’ ‘overly cautious’, and ‘beating around the bush’ are a few expressions used when clients share about the difficulty of relationships. What does it really mean? Are we afraid to be ourselves, and be honest? Are we afraid of the reaction we will get, such as rage, defensiveness, blame, or criticism? Are we following unspoken rules, such as topics that are off-limits, issues that are unsolvable, or memories too painful to discuss? I can almost hear someone saying, “Yes – ALL of that!”
It would be great (and unrealistic) to say that we just need to speak our minds, and all will be ok. That is an option for sure and sometimes it will work out. However, that can be pretty risky. There are techniques and skills that can help us communicate more effectively and in a way that brings about connection and understanding. Notice I did not say agreement or approval, but connection and understanding, which can be more powerful than simply agreeing. Especially since some of us use agreeing as a strategy to “walk on eggshells.”
The first step would be to spend time understanding the function or purpose that ‘walking on eggshells’ provides you. You guessed it; the first step is increased self-awareness. What are you trying to avoid or not break, and is this method effective? Is it healthy or costing you something that is beginning to break you? Spend some time in reflection through prayer, journaling, talking to someone you trust, or seeking counseling in order to understand better the ‘why’ or purpose of ‘walking on eggshells’ and how this is impacting you.
Awareness and understanding are not the ends, but rather the beginning. How can you begin to utilize your awareness and understanding in order to build and work for the relationship that you want (and this implies you know the qualities of the relationship you want)? Skills such as active listening, soft start-ups, validating statements, using ‘I’ statements, and taking breaks to self-soothe are all helpful skills to facilitate healthy communication.
Unless you are playing a game in youth group or at a party, ‘walking on eggshells’ is not fun, but will continue to take an emotional toll. There is help to get onto solid ground for yourself and in your relationships. Take the first step in understanding yourself better.
— Tracy Paulino, L.M.H.C. – Spanish River Counseling Center
Grit - Part II: Warning Label
Grit is an amazing trait as long as we use it wisely and follow the warning label. This is why we are meant to live and function in community because sometimes we do not pay attention to the warning signs, or perhaps we have never learned the warning signs.
Grit is an important character-building trait to develop. However, it does have a warning label that needs to be shared. To recap, grit means ‘courage and resolve, the strength of character’ and is the principal ingredient in pushing through adversity. Why does it need a warning label?
Trauma, abuse, mental health issues such as suicidal thoughts, extreme dysfunction, and emotionally immature parents are a few reasons we need to take Grit within context. Working through trauma will take grit, but, the work needs to be done in a safe and healthy environment. Working through trauma by suppressing, ignoring, hiding, or working through it by yourself is not grit but dangerous. Human beings are wired and created to live within community and interdependence. Grit may take the shape of asking for help, taking a step towards vulnerability, or setting up limits/boundaries in order to stay safe. Many of us believe, whether we want to admit it or not, that grit equals strength and reaching out equals weakness. Although we may give advice to others that sharing is not a weakness, we cannot seem to do it ourselves because of long-held beliefs or fears. The challenge is to acknowledge that thought and open ourselves up to including more thoughts such as, I can also show courage by sharing and being vulnerable. If you are unsure if grit is appropriate in your situation, seek out wise counsel. If you do not have someone to ask, call us so that we can help you walk through the situation together. Some great questions to ask yourself are, “Would I give that advice to someone else?” “Is this an area that I usually struggle to make good decisions?” “Is fear keeping me from seeking help?” “Do I think or feel like I need to do this all on my own?”
Grit is an amazing trait as long as we use it wisely and follow the warning label. This is why we are meant to live and function in community because sometimes we do not pay attention to the warning signs, or perhaps we have never learned the warning signs. There are resources to help everyone get the help they need - no one needs to Grit through their circumstances in silence or isolation. We are here.
— Tracy Paulino, L.M.H.C.
‘Grit’ or ‘Suck it up Buttercup’
Do you give up or give in too quickly? Do you set goals you never reach? There is a psychological term called Frustration Tolerance and it evaluates your ability to push through frustrating situations so that you can come out the other end stronger and achieve a certain result. Some of the best examples of this are sports, giving birth, or buying a house. These are, to put it mildly, frustrating moments and perhaps even painful/doubtful moments, however, we push through because the end result is worth the work.
Grit is a funny word because as a noun it means ‘small loose particles of sand or stone’, or (and this is a pretty big or) it can mean ‘courage and resolve, strength of character. Walking along the beach can be beautiful, but also pretty difficult because of the grit (small loose particles of sand) that make walking more difficult. So why walk along the beach? Why use grit to push through a difficult or long-suffering situation? The walk or goal is worth the effort and grit.
Angela Lee Duckworth presented a TED talk on GRIT and discussed how grit is essential to obtain success and marks the difference between why some people persevere through hard circumstances and others do not.
Do you give up or give in too quickly? Do you set goals you never reach? There is a psychological term called Frustration Tolerance and it evaluates your ability to push through frustrating situations so that you can come out the other end stronger and achieve a certain result. Some of the best examples of this are sports, giving birth, or buying a house. These are, to put it mildly, frustrating moments and perhaps even painful/doubtful moments, however, we push through because the end result is worth the work.
Your personal growth is worth the work. Do you believe that? Do you know how or perhaps why you want to grow and mature as a person? We are still at the beginning of the year, so this is a great opportunity to sit down and think about what we would like to work on and push for this year. Let’s take the urgency out - we have a year. What do you want to work on? You know it will not be easy, and you may want to give up, but GRIT will help you get closer to your goal.
This time next year:
What would you like to accomplish?
How would you like to characterize this year?
What would you like to think about yourself?
Write it down, and I would love to hear what you wrote. If not me, share what you wrote with at least one other person. You have GRIT - use it.
— Tracy Paulino, L.M.H.C.
I Don’t Want to Be a Burden
“No one knows”. “I haven’t told anyone”. “I don’t share”. “I don’t want to be a burden”. These are phrases I hear often and it speaks of pain, loneliness, protectiveness, and silence as well as other emotions that we are not to name. Have you heard someone say this? Have you ever used this phrase? The answer is not always so simple. The truth of not being a burden can be complex.
“No one knows.” “I haven’t told anyone.” “I don’t share.” “I don’t want to be a burden.” These are phrases I hear often and it speaks of pain, loneliness, protectiveness, and silence, as well as other emotions that we are not to name. Have you heard someone say this? Have you ever used this phrase? The answer is not always so simple. The truth of not being a burden can be complex.
Sometimes it can be helpful to ask curious questions in order to better understand a phrase, feeling, or thought. What are some curious questions you can ask yourself? May I suggest some?
Have I been called a burden before? If so, by whom?
What does it feel like to hold a burden all by myself?
Would I call someone else a burden if they shared the same thing?
Is this my way of saying that I don’t feel safe sharing? Or perhaps I feel hopeless or helpless?
Do I have someone in my life that tells me I am not a burden or who wants to know my situation?
Sharing our concerns, thoughts, or feelings does not mean that we are expecting someone to fix or carry them for us. We may need to find people who can walk with us as we experience the burdens of life, and we can recognize that our burdens often feel lighter when we are in community. COVID has brought out different views and extra burdens that give us the opportunity to grow, share and connect with others or it can give us the opportunity to isolate, judge, or hide.
To those of us who have the privilege to hear the burdens or concerns of others, may we provide a safe and non-judgmental space to listen. To those of us who are aching to share our burdens/concerns with others, may we find people who are open to listening and offering the companionship of walking the road with us.
Sharing can be vulnerable, but it can also reap amazing benefits.
— Tracy Paulino, L.M.H.C., M.C.A.P., I.C.R.C.
Hear Me Out!
The main issue with many couples is aligning with their partner. Notice we didn’t say agreeing but aligning. It is possible to align, to be united, and on the same team without agreeing?
“Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” Proverbs 18:2
This past week Tracy and I worked with four couples. The main issue with each couple was aligning with their partner. Notice I didn’t say agreeing but aligning. It is possible to align, to be united, and be on the same team without agreeing. When Tracy asked our last couple, “what was your biggest takeaway from our session” the wife said, “it felt so good when he acknowledged what I said…I felt validated”.
As basic as this might seem, it isn’t as natural as you might think. Our nature is to jump steps, be time-efficient, and dump our reasons on each other. The Bible reminds us that fools rejoice in airing their own opinions. Yes, it is foolish to repeat oneself like a broken record and to see no progress. Let us pay attention to the ways we communicate. If something isn’t working, perhaps we could try a different strategy. It is possible to align, even if we disagree.
— Arturo Paulino and Tracy Paulino are a Certified Life Coach/LMHC team at Spanish River Counseling Center.
Intentional Pause
Feeling stressed, anxious, sad, confused, or angry? If you answered “yes” to any of these, the next minute or two could give you a better perspective by taking an intentional pause as follows:
Close your eyes
Notice your breathing
Feel the weight of your feet on the floor
Feel the weight of your body on the couch
Notice areas of tension or stress in your body
Pay attention to your thoughts
Acknowledge any feelings
Now identify what you would like/need right now, such as peace or insight.
Identify something you want to let go of or get rid of, such as stress or worry. As you inhale, take in more of what you need/want.
As you exhale, let go of or get rid of what you don’t want.
Continue this focused breathing for 30 seconds.
This intentional pause provides a safe opportunity to slow down and allow you to re-center yourself and integrate your mind and emotions instead of being driven solely by reactions.
How can you implement intentional pauses throughout your day in order to gain insight, disengage from intense emotions, and allow for healthy responses instead of quick reactions?
The ability to implement intentional pauses that work for you throughout the day will assist you in gaining better control of your thought and emotions. Music, exercise, and prayer are tools that can assist you in taking an intentional pause.
Life is full of pauses such as interruptions, stop-lights, children, changes, vacations, emergencies, intrusive thoughts, stress, and panic. However, we have the ability to take an intentional pause so that we can reclaim our health, our purpose, our patience, our focus, and our gratitude for what is happening in life and throughout our day.
What would an intentional pause look like in your life, and how would you benefit from it?
— Tracy Paulino, L.M.H.C.
Anticipating the Change We Want
How would you finish this sentence?
Things will change after ____________.
Once life gets back to normal _________,
I just need to wait until __________.
These are phrases I often hear. Don’t worry. I’m not going to say that we should never look for or wait for things to change; however, there is an important balance needed in order to preserve gratitude, happiness, and growth.
My husband and I were blessed with 5 children in 5 years and to be honest, it did not always feel like a blessing. My last pregnancy was with twins and they were born at 32 weeks. (Only 10 months younger than our 3rd daughter). We also moved to a new town with no family when the twins were 6 months old. That year was a blur of sleepless nights, pampers, and a lot of fun! Don’t misunderstand; I do NOT want to repeat that year; however, there was beauty in being able to “enjoy” the chaos of 5 young kids as well as anticipate and hope for change – when life would not be full of sleepless nights and diapers.
When we wait for change, it is already happening. We are presently taking part in the change. Our attitudes, beliefs, responses, and emotions all play a role in how we are managing the constant change that is life. If I had waited for my kids to be older to enjoy them, I would have missed out on the joys of watching and participating in the myriad of changes that come with parenting young children. Please know there were days I handled the balance of living in the moment and waiting for change like a pro – true mother of the year. Then there were other days when I failed miserably and felt overwhelmed with my present circumstance. However, holding the balance of present and change can be helpful to persevere during difficult times as well as cherish precious moments.
We all need the hope that comes with anticipating the change we want; however, we must hold hope in the present while we actively live out the process of change.
What changes are you waiting for, and how does that give you hope? How are you presently living so that you are participating in life as change happens?
— Tracy Paulino, L.M.H.C.